Apr 062008

Here are a few more tips on dealing with conflicts in a relationship:

  • Anger is a sign that the other person feels hurt and/or frustrated. I know it can be really hard to, but think of the other person’s pain.
  • Even though you may have found the root cause of the disagreement and found a suitable resolution, you may have to deal with the leftover feelings of hurt. The key to this, as I suggested in the above post is understanding. The other person has to feel that they are understood. An angry person may inflict pain on another person and I think that be partially motivated by a desire to have the other person feel what you feel and empathize with you.
  • Have you ever apologized and the other person still keeps going on about the thing? That’s because they do not feel understood. It doesn’t matter whether you understand them or not, it is whether they feel understood by you. Apologies are meaningless unless the other person feels understood, listened out and respected for their feelings. Believe me, I’ve tried.
  • Conflicts are a normal part of relationships, but it is how you handle them that can make or break that relationship. In fact, John Gottman claims to be able to tell whether a couple will last over a 4-6 year period with over 90% accuracy. Two major things to look out for: how a couple handles disagreements is super important. Do they simply come to a deadlock of egos, or do they go back to their purpose for doing whatever they are doing and try to find a win-win situation? The second is these four traits: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt with contempt being the most important.

  2 Responses to “More Tips On Resolving Conflicts”

  1. wow… this reveals my forever hate to my father. He beat the hell out of me when I was young. But lately after alot of clearing out on emotions. A wisdom popped out from nowhere, that he actually felt hurt by me. And actually by all the humilitaors I have met in my life. In some way or another they got hurt, and got back at me. I was seeking to be understood and approved by them (just like with my father), and ended up hating them and getting back on them in the most subtle ways. And they got angry and pissed off. I guess this goes both ways. Both are equal “guilty” of not feeling loved and understood. Thanks pal! you made a big difference confirming this. A question: my mind doesnt believe this to be the truth right away. Why is that? Why cant I just be healed after psycologicaly understanding this do you think? Much love -ben

  2. When you first get an illuminating insight, it can feel like you’ve just solved the whole thing. After a few days, though, that feeling can fall away if the insight wasn’t as deep as it could be. So keep digging. Good luck!

    You might want to check out Games People Play. Good book that reveals other games we play like the one you figured out you were playing.

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