May 142007

Today is an interesting day for me. I took a year off from uni and today’s the first day of classes going back. I intend to score top grades in all my courses and become a top, disciplined student without putting in as much effort as others do. I also intend to win lots of scholarships so that the money I earn outside of school I can actually keep, or put towards actual meaningful life goals.

I wouldn’t say I’m nervous but I do seem to be a bit anxious. Anxiety is usually caused by uncertainty. In this case, I think it might be uncertainty about how well I’ll do. I have grown and changed a lot since a year ago, and I’m sorta hopign that I’ve grown enough for me to accomplish my goals in academia. If not, then I can keep growing to become good enough to accomplish them. However, I have a bit of anxiety because school seems so much like a big test to me right now. Like, its so important, not in my future (cause it really isn’t) but as a test of my growth and my character. And I suppose there’s the anxiety of putting your feelings and self-worth on the line to do something that you want to do.

I’m probably overintellectualizing it and making it seem bigger than it actaully is, but I want to do really well in school, not so that I can get some other end, but rather to just do well in school. I want to demonstrate that I am the kind of person that can excel at many different things, including school. Anyhoo, I’ll feel better after today.

Last night I was reading Stumbling on Happiness and learned something amazing related to Photoreading. You see, one of the core problems i have with Photoreading (or rather I have the problem and it manifests around PR) is that its too simple or simplified. Throw in a bunch of words I have to look up and I’m more likely to believe something I think is unlikely. I need proof or ideas to be presented to me in certain ways to believe it, especailly in academic language. Ahhhh, good old fallacies and human cognitive biases. As they say, "don’t judge a book by the cover." In this case, don’t confuse presentation with content.

Today is another kind of test that I suppose I could also be feeling anxious about. I’ll elaborate more on that later. Ta.

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