I’ve been really uncaring of late, and I’ve been neglecting my responsibilities. That came as a bit of a shock to me when I realized it, because I used to be very responsible. But I guess I’ve forgotten who I’m responsible to or what I am responsible for. As far as school is concerned, I guess I’m responsible to myself for doing well. But I don’t care.
Sigh, someone invent a caring drug. I’ll buy a smuggled boatload. I know how this ends otherwise. I’ll get a huge shock and that’s how it’ll end. I’ve been thinking. I can’t really see the awesomeness of university right now, maybe I should take a year off to figure out what I want to do? I don’t know. The uncertainity is very annoying, and I’m a little bit afraid to try to figure things out because it’s such a monumental task. What I decide now could very well (it might not) define the rest of my life. What if I make the wrong decision and am unable to make my goals. I want to be known and recognized for my work. I know complete selflessness is supposed to be more pure, but screw that. I do not want to die another unknown face. At least, I want to have a body of work survive me. I think I want to entertain people, whether through comedy. But I’m afraid to commit to that, because what if I don’t make it? Then I’ll have failed. I don’t want to fail. Being told you did your best is little consolation when you’ve failed.
I think that’s why I find it so hard to start projects. It’s because I want to do them perfectly and have them succeed. I’ve got many fears, but the nature of my fears is that i never owned up to them. They’ve ruled me and I’ve never known it. I also fear losing my strange view of the world. The illusion of myself and the world I’ve made up might break if I try and fail.
Maybe I should move out and face the real world on my own. I’m simply learning that I can turn out fine if I don’t try right now.
Sigh, I don’t konw. I’m sorry for harping on about my personal issues, but I’m hoping someone can offer some advice.