Jan 302006

I was wrong earlier, I believe it is pride and ego that compell me to not care. I have too much pride to pursue something that I do not immediately understand. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever said or heard and it’s true.

A little humility is a virtue.

Anyway, recently scientists may have discovered a gene that makes you fearless and may have found the group of genes which, thousands of years ago, mutated to produce the lighter skinned causasian and oriental folk you see today. It is theorised that they probably had better survival rates in the north where thier white skin (and lack of something, menotonin, I think) absorbed bone-strengthening Vitamin D better. Or that they were seen as a novelty and wanted as a mate. White guy walks into a prehistoric bar, "Hey baby, you + me = white supremacy". Bitchin’.

Jan 262006

I’ve been really uncaring of late, and I’ve been neglecting my responsibilities. That came as a bit of a shock to me when I realized it, because I used to be very responsible. But I guess I’ve forgotten who I’m responsible to or what I am responsible for. As far as school is concerned, I guess I’m responsible to myself for doing well. But I don’t care.

Sigh, someone invent a caring drug. I’ll buy a smuggled boatload. I know how this ends otherwise. I’ll get a huge shock and that’s how it’ll end. I’ve been thinking. I can’t really see the awesomeness of university right now, maybe I should take a year off to figure out what I want to do? I don’t know. The uncertainity is very annoying, and I’m a little bit afraid to try to figure things out because it’s such a monumental task. What I decide now could very well (it might not) define the rest of my life. What if I make the wrong decision and am unable to make my goals. I want to be known and recognized for my work. I know complete selflessness is supposed to be more pure, but screw that. I do not want to die another unknown face. At least, I want to have a body of work survive me. I think I want to entertain people, whether through comedy. But I’m afraid to commit to that, because what if I don’t make it? Then I’ll have failed. I don’t want to fail. Being told you did your best is little consolation when you’ve failed.

I think that’s why I find it so hard to start projects. It’s because I want to do them perfectly and have them succeed. I’ve got many fears, but the nature of my fears is that i never owned up to them. They’ve ruled me and I’ve never known it. I also fear losing my strange view of the world. The illusion of myself and the world I’ve made up might break if I try and fail.

Maybe I should move out and face the real world on my own. I’m simply learning that I can turn out fine if I don’t try right now.

Sigh, I don’t konw. I’m sorry for harping on about my personal issues, but I’m hoping someone can offer some advice.