Nov 302005

Before you lot freak out over the title, I’m not some gothed out teen
who hates life and all that lives in it. Who thinks that all existance
is trivial so it’s best spent in misery–not like that here at all. For
one thing, I believe that existance is trivial so I’d better spend it
doing what makes me feel happy. Dreariness is like death to me and
boredom is a waste of my time on Earth, so I’ve learned to entertain
myself. Once, I was very happy just puffing my cheeks for about half an
hour (no, I was not on drugs, drunk or in any way mentally
incapacitated). It’s incredibly difficult to bore me, I’ll simply get
distracted and start playing around in my own little world.

That is a very long aside, but back to the question at hand:
Loneliness. At times I have these bouts of maddening loneliness. It’s
times like these I look to my family, especially my brothers to realize
that I’m not truly alone, and that I’m luckier than many people. But
I’m also looking for something that may or may not exist, I’m looking
for a deep sense of companionship, of liking and of belonging. I guess
everyone’s heart yearns for a deep relationship or connection with
someone. I suppose I have a void in my being that needs to be filled. I
suppose I should have faith in something. It’s difficult to have faith
in anything these days. Faith in external things or beings is
difficult, especially, with the horrors that surround us each day.
Faith in yourself can carry you only so far. But I suppose this is
simply an interval of self-doubt, that I shall have to overcome to
mature and to change. At times like these, I always look to the future.
Not literally, I don’t believe in being able to know the future. But I
try to have hope that the future will be what I want and what I make of
it. To that end, I should quit words and move to more actions. To act
independantly is one of the greatest powers of humanity.

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