Nov 302005
 

Before you lot freak out over the title, I’m not some gothed out teen
who hates life and all that lives in it. Who thinks that all existance
is trivial so it’s best spent in misery–not like that here at all. For
one thing, I believe that existance is trivial so I’d better spend it
doing what makes me feel happy. Dreariness is like death to me and
boredom is a waste of my time on Earth, so I’ve learned to entertain
myself. Once, I was very happy just puffing my cheeks for about half an
hour (no, I was not on drugs, drunk or in any way mentally
incapacitated). It’s incredibly difficult to bore me, I’ll simply get
distracted and start playing around in my own little world.

That is a very long aside, but back to the question at hand:
Loneliness. At times I have these bouts of maddening loneliness. It’s
times like these I look to my family, especially my brothers to realize
that I’m not truly alone, and that I’m luckier than many people. But
I’m also looking for something that may or may not exist, I’m looking
for a deep sense of companionship, of liking and of belonging. I guess
everyone’s heart yearns for a deep relationship or connection with
someone. I suppose I have a void in my being that needs to be filled. I
suppose I should have faith in something. It’s difficult to have faith
in anything these days. Faith in external things or beings is
difficult, especially, with the horrors that surround us each day.
Faith in yourself can carry you only so far. But I suppose this is
simply an interval of self-doubt, that I shall have to overcome to
mature and to change. At times like these, I always look to the future.
Not literally, I don’t believe in being able to know the future. But I
try to have hope that the future will be what I want and what I make of
it. To that end, I should quit words and move to more actions. To act
independantly is one of the greatest powers of humanity.

Nov 302005
 

Music is very interesting. It evokes emotions, defines moods, or it can
simply express a mood or emotion. In many ways, music is as complex as
humanity itself and I like to learn about it. My own attemps at
learning the guitar are going decently well, however, I can’t tell how
well I truly am doing without a teacher, which I suppose I should
aquire at some point in time. In the meanwhile, I’ll keep chuggin away,
teaching myself how to play the guitar and not suck at it.

Other interests du jour are film-making. Right now I’m still
considering what to do. The two projects on the table are the Trials
DVD and this TTC show I’ve been shwishing about in my head like
mouthwash in my…uhhh…mouth.
Trials DVD: It is a total beginner’s guide to the basics of trials. But
I’m finding that I can’t actually make it the total beginner’s guide
and it’ll just have to settle for a great beginner’s guide.
TTC thingy: It’s just a show about the pecularities of the public
transit system. Like today, I was standing in front of the doors and
reading the newspaper, and this woman just walks up stands in front of
me when the train was about half-full. She’s crimping my newspaper
space and looking all smug. In my representation on video, my response
shall be, I hope, humourous. So, things like that.